


Commiseration

by AllAboardTheSSDerp



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Can be considered platonic or pre-romantic, Characters Venting to Each Other, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Self-Doubt, Slight Mentions of Child Neglect, but only mildly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28364052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllAboardTheSSDerp/pseuds/AllAboardTheSSDerp
Summary: Kaito used to love Christmas. Now it just reminds him of halcyon days he’d give anything to get back. Shinichi has never really cared for Christmas, has never really had a reason to. This year two melancholy souls cross paths on Christmas Eve. They always say misery loves company. Perhaps all they needed to warm their hearts this holiday season was to spend it with someone who understands.
Relationships: Kudou Shinichi | Edogawa Conan & Kuroba Kaito | Kaitou Kid, Kudou Shinichi | Edogawa Conan/Kuroba Kaito | Kaitou Kid
Comments: 2
Kudos: 76





	Commiseration

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vampkomori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampkomori/gifts).



> This fic is a gift for @vampkomori on tumblr as part of the general DCMK 2020 Secret Santa. I had a lot of fun talking with you this past month and I hope you enjoy the fic!

Most people dream of having that picturesque white Christmas. Of staying inside and relaxing with their family and loved ones by the fire, drinking hot chocolate with newly opened presents around them and watching the snowflakes fall from the sky to coat the world outside the window. Kaito used to dream of this too, way back when. He longed to wake up Christmas morning to see those crystal flurries turning the world into that scenic winter wonderland you see in all the movies. To open his presents then run out and frolic in the snow, only coming in when his nose was as red as a cherry and he could no longer feel his fingers or toes. His mom would have hot chocolate waiting for him when he came back and his dad would pick him up and wrap him in that big fuzzy blanket they always kept hanging over the back of the couch, holding him in his lap while they watched a marathon of holiday movies. 

It almost happened one year. It had snowed on the 22nd, and they were due for another storm the night of Christmas Eve. But come Christmas morning Kaito had awoken to find all of the snow that had been on the ground gone. Apparently the night had been warmer than expected so instead of a snow storm, they got a rain storm, and it washed all the snow away. Kaito remembers running to his window that morning, wide eyed and grinning only for his face to fall when he realized the sea of white had vanished. He remembers shuffling downstairs, dejected pout clear as day on his face. Remembers how when his father saw him, he instantly knew why he was upset, without Kaito having to say a word. And he can vividly recall his amazement when his father then proceeded to make them their own personal little blizzard, right there in their living room.

That was the last Christmas Kaito got to spend with his dad. He never figured out how he did that trick. He honestly didn’t want to. He could if he tried, but he refused to drain the magic from that memory by unveiling how it was done.

Christmases were never the same after that. Nothing in his life was the same after that, but Christmases he took especially hard. His mother tried her best the first few years, but the magic was missing and they both knew it. No matter what they did they couldn’t recreate the light and warmth his father exuded so naturally. Then when he was 14 his mother left to travel the world in order to escape from the house that haunted her with memories of her lost love, leaving him all alone. He doesn’t begrudge her the decision. He knows better than anyone how distraught she was. How she had no hope of escaping the depression and moving on so long as she was living in that house. However, understanding why she needed to leave didn’t change the fact that, once she left, his love for the holiday that had been hanging on by a thread was truly snuffed out.

Aoko always invited him to spend Christmas with her and her dad from then on, but he couldn’t help but feel like an intruder every time. Particularly after he picked up the mantle of Kaitou KID. He stole her dad’s time and attention from her so much and now he was forcing her to share it on one of the few days he took off each year. On top of that there was the fact that Nakamori-keibu often tried to ‘fill in the gaps’ left behind by Kaito’s dad as much as he could. And while he appreciated the gesture, there was no one in this world that could replace his father, and these attempts made him feel hollow inside more often than they helped. This year he turned down her offer, instead going to the park on the night of Christmas Eve to walk around and sort out his thoughts. Around this time of year he always has a lot of them.

_I wonder, if Oyaji could see me now, what would he think? Would he be proud of me for continuing his mission? For keeping his memory alive? For trying to bring his killers to justice? Or would he be disappointed? I know that he never wanted me to get involved. He tried so hard to keep me unaware of what he did at night, of the danger he was in. Even if he left me that message explaining who he was, he didn’t want me to have to go through this. He didn’t want me to have to sacrifice the way I have had to._

_And speaking of that, those sacrifices I have made. Am I completely content with them? Am I truly ok with deceiving so many of those close to me? Can I truly abide the fact that I have continually stolen Aoko’s father from her, caused the very thing she used to come to cry to me about? Can I really be alright with the distance I have had to put between us, even if it’s for her own sake? Am I really fine with having to hide from her, having to hide from everyone? Can I really handle this burden I’ve taken on my shoulders? And even if I can handle it, is it worth it?_

_I know I will debate this over and over in my mind until I give myself a headache before pushing it all aside and continuing as I am. That’s what I always do. But this search has gone on for so much longer than I ever thought it would, yet there’s still no end in sight. What if one day when I assess this all again, I decide that the answer is no? What would Oyaji think of me then?_

At this point Kaito has long since stopped walking in favor of seating himself on one of the park benches. He places his elbows on his knees, holds his head in his hands and looks up at the stars. Yet the stars hold no answers for him.

_Oyaji. I miss you. I miss Kaa-san. I miss the way things used to be. I’m so tired of being alone. I think of you all the time. You’re always on my mind, but this time of year, all I can think of is the way you used to hold me as we sat by the fire listening to holiday songs. Of the tricks you’d perform, the ones that made me believe that Christmas miracles really did exist. Of the way you’d smile when I begged you to do it again. Every decoration that I see, every song that I hear, every thought that goes through my brain makes me remember you and suddenly the feeling of loss is just as devastating as when you first left us. I would give anything in the world to have you back. But I know that that’s impossible. Please, why can’t Christmas just end already? These nostalgic reminders of those halcyon days are nothing short of torturous._

Kaito could feel the tears brimming at the corners of his eyes but he pushed them back. He couldn’t let them fall. Not here.

And it was a good thing he did, because no sooner had he done that, than he heard a call of his name.

“Kuroba? Is that you?”

Kaito turned towards the voice to see who it was, but given its similarity to his own he had a feeling he already knew. And sure enough he came face to face with the man who could very well be his doppelganger, Kudou Shinichi.

Over time, Kaito had formed a close friendship with the sky-eyed detective. Back when the other was still pint sized they discovered that the people they were after cooperated with some frequency, and thus they decided it would be in their best interest to help each other out when they could. Their alliance was tenuous at first but they slowly began to trust each other more and more. Their relationship grew beyond two people working together towards similar goals, becoming an honest to goodness partnership. And when Kudou got his original body back 9 months ago, it was surprisingly easy to slide that partnership into a friendship. Nowadays they met up fairly often just to hang out and have some food together. Kudou still pursued him at heists, but not with the intention of actually arresting him. Rather it was more like a game they played. It was honestly extremely refreshing and it made him actually look forward to pulling heists again, because even when the gem of the evening inevitably turned out to not be Pandora, at least he could console himself with the fact that he had a fun time competing with Kudou. Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen the other since his last heist two weeks ago.

Shaking away that thought, and all the other more vulnerable ones before it, Kaito quickly finished composing himself, slamming down his poker face.

“Kudou! What a surprise! I didn’t expect to see you here. What are you doing out so late? Ooh, ooh! Are you on your way to a Christmas date?~” The magician teases with a smirk

The noise the detective lets out at that is somewhere between a scoff and a chuckle. “No, of course not. You know me better than that.” He says, shaking his head in amusement, the slightest hint of a smile on his face. “If you must know I was on my way back from a case I encountered while out eating dinner.” 

“Ah, that’s too bad. And here I was hoping that I had just stumbled upon the latest gossip. The Great Detective of the East’s hidden sweetheart.”

“Not this time.” Kudou says, sitting down on the bench next to Kaito. “I could ask you the same question though.”

The expression Kaito adopts is one full of false remorse. “While I can understand why you’d think so, I’m afraid the rumors are false. I don’t have a secret lover.”

Kudou lightly shoves his shoulder, chuckling in spite of himself. “I meant what are you doing out here, smartass.”

The thief looks up at the sky again, but mostly just to avoid looking at the detective for too long. “Oh you know, just observing the stars. They’re quite lovely tonight, don’t you agree?”

Kudou hums softly acquiescence before directing his gaze to Kaito’s face. The sleuth’s icy blue eyes stare into him for a few moments that feel like forever. “Well either you’ve been out here looking at the stars for a really long time in this cold weather or you’ve been crying. Your eyes are all red.” Suddenly the look in his eyes turns more sincere. “Are you alright Kuroba?”

Kaito could deny that light accusation, pretend that he doesn’t know what the other is talking about, but quite frankly he doesn’t have the energy nor the desire to hide something like this from his notoriously observant friend. 

“Ha ha, you caught me Meitantei. Truth is I came out here to think. I’ve… got a lot on my mind.” For a moment Kaito thinks that’s going to be the end of it, but he clearly must have forgotten who he was dealing with. Those sapphire orbs peer into his soul once again before their owner stands up and extends his hand to him.

“Well, how about instead of sitting out here and freezing our asses off, we go back to my place and you can tell me about it. I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good listener when I want to be.”

Kaito just looks at the proffered hand for a moment before giving a tiny smile and taking it. “I’d like that.”

The walk back to the Kudou mansion is silent, but in a comfortable way. It’s not that there were no words to say, but rather no words needed to be said. The walk takes 25 minutes but it feels like 5. Before Kaito realizes it, they’ve arrived and Kudou’s herding him in the front door. They both switch their outdoor shoes for house slippers and take a seat on the couch in the living room.

“So, a penny for your thoughts Kuroba?” Kudou says once they’re settled.

Kaito rubs the back of his neck in slight embarrassment. “It’s really nothing major to be honest. I’m just… not particularly fond of Christmas anymore.” 

And that was all he had been intending to say on the matter but Kudou just looks at him with those earnest eyes, prompting him to go on without saying a word, and suddenly it’s like the floodgates have been released, his troubles falling from his lips so fast he can’t even hope to stop them. He tells Kudou everything. About how Christmas reminds him of his dad. About how much he misses him. About how much his mom’s absence stings even though he understands it. About his guilt and discomfort regarding his Christmases spent with the Nakamoris. About his doubts concerning his role as Kaitou KID. Everything. And Kudou just listens. A silent and steady presence grounding him and keeping him from spiraling into depression and uncertainty once again. He doesn’t know when Kudou got so close, nor when he put his hand on his knee, but when he can focus on something other than making sure his words come out coherent, it’s there, thumb rubbing little reassuring circles into his skin through his pant leg.

Kudou is kind enough to give Kaito time to compose himself before speaking. “I’m sure you’ve heard this many times before Kuroba, but I’m truly sorry for your loss. Your father was a great man and I wish that you had gotten to spend more time with him. I wish that he had gotten to see for himself the great man that you are becoming. I may not have known him well or for long, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that he would be proud of you. Who you are, what you’ve done, who you’re becoming, all of it.” The detective looks as if he wants to say more, but he just gives a sheepish expression, holding himself back. After a moment, he continues “I’m sorry, I’m not the best at comforting people. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve never really been fond of Christmas either.”

Kudou looks content to leave it at that but Kaito can see the pain in his eyes, boiling just below the surface. “A penny for your thoughts, Kudou?” The messy haired magician parrots, placing his hand on the other boy’s shoulder.

Kudou gives him a melancholic smile and a weak chuckle in response before sighing. “My parents are, as you know, rather... odd people. Kaa-san alternates between suffocatingly doting and completely absent seemingly on a whim and Tou-san is just distant most of the time. They both have their moments, but by and large, they are both people who do as they please, with little regard for how that might affect others.” 

He shifts his gaze over slightly to the window, but his eyes are unfocused, as if seeing something a million miles away. “When I was very little we used to go to these big formal Christmas parties. I always hated going to those. The atmosphere was always so stuffy and there was nothing to do most of the time. The other attendees my age were never anywhere near my intelligence level and the adult guests never took me seriously. Yet Kaa-san insisted against bringing any books to these parties. So most of the time I ended up simply finding a corner to hide in. Back then I thought any other Christmas would be better than those parties. But that was before my parents started travelling more.” 

Kudou shakes his head idly. “They had always travelled, but once I turned 10 they started going to more distant places, for longer, without taking me with them. Eventually, when I turned 14, they just started travelling constantly, only coming back to Japan on rare occasions. At first I thought that was great, I was finally able to escape my parents’ whims. But I quickly realized the one thing worse than having my parents behaving the way they were, was not having them there at all. I never truly understood how much loneliness and isolation could affect a person until they left. Their absence left a hole inside of me, though I didn’t realize it at the time. And I don’t know why, but Christmas always seems to exacerbate that hollow, empty feeling. Perhaps it’s jealousy, because practically everyone I know spends the holiday with their families.” 

Kudou takes a deep breath in through his nose, holds it, then lets it out through his mouth. Kaito knows a grounding technique when he sees one. He squeezes the shoulder he has his hand on lightly in a show of support. The detective shoots him a grateful look before continuing. “Hakase tried to stand in for my parents after they left, to give me the attention and warmth I was so desperately seeking. But as much as I love him, it just wasn’t the same. It was my pseudo-grandfather trying to take on the parent role as well, and as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t replace them, couldn’t be what I needed. Looking back on it, I think the need for my parents attention was what drove my cocky, show-off behavior when I was younger. I wanted their recognition, but I couldn’t have it, so I sought it out elsewhere. I… I don’t doubt that my parents love me, or that they care, but, I don’t think that I’ve ever been their top priority, or at least, not since I was very little, and that fact hurts. That’s why I’ve never really had much love for Christmas, a holiday I’ve never had fond memories of, but that makes me long for the cliché family moments everyone else seems to take for granted. The best Christmases I ever had were the couple I spent with the Mouris as Conan. Ironically living with Ran and her father felt more like living with family than living with my actual family ever did. But even those Christmases were tinged with sorrow and regret for deceiving them as I was, especially since Ran would always get more upset about my absence around the holidays.” Kudou gives a bitter laugh. “I guess when you boil it down, the both of us dislike the holiday season for the same reason, it makes us want that familial love this time of year is so known for, but we can’t have it.”

It’s silent for a while after that, both of them processing the feelings and confessions they exposed to the other. Neither of them had ever vented to anyone like that before, not about this. The catharsis that came from talking to someone who understood was immense. They finally let down some of the weight they had been carrying on their shoulders for so long, and while it wasn’t gone, having someone to help them bare it made it feel a lot lighter.

“Well, even if we can’t have Christmas with our families like we want, we at least have each other.” Kaito says quietly, not daring to speak too loudly and risk breaking the peaceful atmosphere they had found themselves in.

“That is true. I suppose that there are far worse choices for Christmas company out there than an internationally wanted criminal.” Kudou teases.

“Speak for yourself, corpse magnet!” Kaito snarks back. The sleuth laughs before glancing at the clock.

“Hey, it’s getting pretty late. Why don’t you stay the night? Then we can do something actually fun together tomorrow as opposed to just wallowing in our misery the whole time.”

Kaito can’t resist the urge to gasp obnoxiously. “Why Meitantei! I never thought you’d be so bold as to invite me into your bed so suddenly!”

Kudou rolls his eyes, but upon closer inspection there’s the faintest hint of a blush on his cheeks. “I was trying to be sincere, barou.”

“I know, I know.” The thief says with an apologetic smile that quickly turns genuine. “But in all honesty, I’d really like that.”

“I’ll go set up one of the guest rooms then.” Kudou replies, sporting his own little grin.

When Kaito wakes up the next morning, he comes downstairs to Kudou greeting him with a cup of hot chocolate and a blanket of white coating the world outside.


End file.
